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Dave Yogpod
Dave Yogpod was the eighth episode of the YoGPoD, released on 2nd May 2009. It was created and produced by Simon and Lewis. The episode is fifty-five minutes and forty-six seconds in length. This was the episode of the YoGPoD where Lewis and Simon first come up with the term "Yognau(gh)t" In this episode Lewis and Simon discuss the possibilities of changing one's name by deed poll to "Dave! Yognau(gh)t" and Simon also reads from the Wikipedia article for name changes. Official Description "I am Dave! Yognaut" Transcript ---- Simon: Hello. Lewis: Hello. Simon: Lewis, I'm not well, I think I might have swine flus, I ate some corned beef yesterday- Lewis: Stop. Simon: -and I think I got caught it from that. Lewis: Stop, we'll start from the beginning. Simon: In the beginning, there was the word, and the word was God, and God made the YoGPoD, on the seventh day, instead of resting, on a Sunday he took the time to record a YoGPoD, I am God, that's what I'm saying, I'm God, hi. Lewis: Hello, I'm Xephos. Simon: You're- you're like Jesus. Lewis: I'm listening- I'm sitting at the right hand of our Lord. You're listening to the YogPod. Simon: You're sitting on my right hand, and I am gently fingering your anus. Lewis: wheezes What? Simon: So, I think I might have- I think I might have swine flu, Lewis. I'm not very well. Lewis: What do you mean? Simon: I haven't been very well, and I think I might have caught the swine flue pandemic. Lewis: What are the symptoms of swine flu. Simon: You don't feel well, and you start... squealing like a pig. Lewis: Right... Simon: The thing is, right, it's called "swine flu" so you would think, ok, someone was working with pigs, the pigs were a bit ill, the flu virus jumped from the pig to the person and he started infecting other people. But that's not actually what happened at all, because it- Lewis: Uh-hmm. Simon: It has nothing to do with pigs at all. A pig has never had swine flu, so why it's called swine flu I've no fucking idea. Lewis: Right. So, is this like the new bird flu? What's it gonna be next? Cat flu? Simon: Cat flu! Lewis: Penguin Flu? Simon: Very dangerous. Lewis: Oh man... Simon: Horse flu! Lewis: I'm feeling a bit ill, I think I've caught flamingo flu. Well anyway that's- that's- that's a bit of an odd start, but we probably won't use any of that. Erm... Simon: What? Lewis: First off right, we haven't mentioned Tina Barrett for a while, and we probably should do. Simon: Oh... Surely that's a good thing. Lewis: To check how our- Well I was talk- I was thinking about, y'know, harnessing the power of our listeners, blah blah blah, getting them to, like, do stuff on the internet. Simon: Stalk Tina Barrett. Lewis: Well... Simon: Like scrawl graffiti on her front door saying: "YogPod rules". Lewis: Wow, that would be amazing, if you could do that that would be brilliant, but- Simon: I'm sure that's illegal and we shouldn't, like, incite people to do illegal activities. Lewis: Oh, sorry. Ok, don't do that, but it would be amazing... if you didn't do that. Don't do that. Simon: laughs No! Don't- you can't do that! No, no! Lewis: laughs What? What? I'm not condoning it. Don't do it- Simon: Don't do it- Lewis: -really don't do it, because it would be so... great. Simon: -don't do it, but if you do, if you do it would be really cool. Lewis: Yes! Simon: No! No! Lewis: Anyway, so, people managed to post on her Myspace, er, which was pretty cool. We enjoyed that didn't we? Erm... Simon: We did, yes. I gained a lot of enjoyment from this. Lewis: One of the other things we were talking about was that, um, I like entered a Blizzard-y competition to, uh, win a Frostmourne sword, um, and we were discussing what we were gonna- what- what- what possibly you would do with a replica Frostmourne if you had one. Simon: Yeah, we recorded all of that audio and then you lost it. Lewis: Yeah, yeah. Um, so I mean my- my idea was pretty much just to- to bury it in the local field and have, like, an old man find it with his metal detector, and then, like, video that and put it on the internet. And Honeydew's idea was to, like, have it in his... What was it? Have it in the top drawer of your desk and use it as like a, um... Simon: A letter opener. Yeah. Lewis: Yeah. Brilliant. That was all we could think of. Simon: We didn't come up with very good ideas, did we? Lewis: Maybe our listeners have better ideas, and they can, you know, send them in. Simon: Yes! Lewis: What would you do with a replica Frostmourne if you had one? Simon: Email- email xephoslewis@hotmail.com. Lewis: I'm gonna have to delete that. Um... Simon: laughs Oh god... Lewis: Contact us through our YouTube page, that's the best way to do it. Send me a message on YouTube. Simon: yogpod@yogpod.com. If only we had- Lewis: I don't know whether that would work. No, I don't think that would work. Simon: Probably not because we don't have that as an email address. Lewis: Just send us a message through the YouTube page, if you can think of anything- Simon: Send us a message through Tina Barrett's Myspace, or her front door, daubed in your own feces. Lewis: laughs Oh god... Simon: laughs Lewis: Oh my god, don't do that. Don't- especially don't, no really don't do that. Simon: Can you imagine that? "If I has Frostmourne" smeared in shit on her door. Lewis: laughs Oh god... Simon: Oh my Lord... Lewis: I think we need to start again. Ok, we've done the warmup. Let's stay off of all things that are disgusting from now on, stop. Stop, just stop. I'm stopping the recording. Simon: Ok. starts playing Mearis: Hello and welcome to Yogscast. Lewis: Ok I've restarted it... Hello, and welcome to the YogPod. Simon: Hello. Lewis: I'm Xephos. Simon: And I'm Honeydew. Lewis: Hi. Simon: Hi. How you doing? Lewis: Shouldn't we be called Lewis and Simon instead? Simon: Um, well I don't know, you started it. You said "I'm Xephos" when that isn't actually your name. Y'know, you're lying- Lewis: Yeah... Simon: -to our loyal listeners, by creating this fake persona. Lewis: Well I don't know whether I'm as much lying as... I'm- I don't like the name Lewis, I'm not a big fan of it, so I tend not to use it. stops playing Simon: What name do you, y'know, do you prefer to use? Lewis: Well I don't know, maybe I should change my name. What else could I have? I wouldn't have something as weird as Xephos obviously, that's a little bit too weird. Simon: Well you could do, to- to help promote the YogPod. By- by deed poll you could change you name legally to Xephos YogPod. Lewis: Wow. Well that would be pretty unique. Simon: Mr YogPod. Lewis: "Hello Mr Yogpod". It would be like- ugh, it would be awful though. You'd get letter through the mail like "Dear Mr Yogpod"... y'know "your- your- your interest rate on you bank account has gone down to 1.1%". It would be like, ugh. Simon: So- Lewis: You'd have to sign, it's like, y'know- Simon: coughs Lewis: "Please sign here Mr YogPod, on your council tax..." Simon: Don't you think that already though, with Lewis? Lewis: "...form." Simon: Y'know Lewis Ah... Mr Lewis, Oh no! Not Lewis! Oh... awful! Argh! Lewis: The fact is that I'm always gonna be called Lewis, regardless of whatever happens, y'know, because even, like, famous people who change their names like Elton John and people like this, and Bono, everyone knows their real names, and they go ah yeah, he's really called, like... Simon: What is Bono's name? pause Simon: You don't know do you? You're like "everybody knows! Everybody knows Bono's name! Uh..." Lewis: I do know! I do! I'm just gonna cut that out, I'm just gonna cut that pause out! Simon: giggles Lewis: I do know! Simon: Bullshit. Lewis: His name's Paul... His name's Paul David Huston. sic Simon: Oh, of course! Lewis: Hewson. Simon: Of course it is! Lewis: Paul David Hewson. Paul Hewson. Uh, and Elton John's not his real name either. Simon: Reginald Dwight. Lewis: Yeah, yeah I knew that. Simon: So you need like a stage name. Lewis: This is one of the ones that I've- y'know, if I obviously ever write novels and stuff I will change my name... Simon: Max Power! Lewis: To something a bit more catchy. Simon: So what would you change your name to, if you- Lewis: I don't know. Simon: -became successful? Lewis: But a lot of authors are obviously changed to something, aren't they? Like um... Simon: Dave Fuckface! Lewis: Part of the problem is that there's a, there's a um, a very very famous sci-fi writer with um, a very very similar surname to me. Why can't I say my surname? I suppose I could, but people would like google me and stuff... Simon: Yeah, people would find out where you live. Lewis: Yeah. Simon: And they would smear shit on your front door. Lewis: laughs Simon: "I heart YogPod". Ok, the, apparently the deed poll offices are in Freebournes Court, Witham, Essex. I'm sure that's just up the road from you. Lewis: yawning Oh, it probably is yeah. Simon: You don't need to talk to a solicitor or anything. Apparently you can do it online, by phone, by post, or by going to the offices in person. It says you need to show it to all government departments, companies, and organisations that hold your personal records, instructing them to change your name. You can also apply for a new passport, driving liscence, chequebook, credit cards etc. Lewis: Do you see what I mean? It's such a lot of hassle isn't it? Simon: Yeah, but think, you'd have a really cool name. Lewis: sighs Like what? Xephos YogPod? snorts I didn't even like the name YogPod to begin with. chuckles Simon: What? But I came up with that. You're saying you don't like it? It's a bit late now, isn't it? We've done like seven of the fucking things. Lewis: laughs Simon: Ok, you've gotta have one full name and one- one surname, at least. It has to be pronouncable; you can't just have a random jumble of letters. It can't be vulgar, offensive, blasphemous, or "unsuitable". I'm not sure what "unsuitable" quite means. Lewis: I guess it can't be like exclamation mark, colon, like "at symbol, inverted commas, exclamation mark. Y'know, you can't have that. Simon: Dave. "Dave exclamation mark" That would be my name. Lewis: snorts That would be your first name. Wow... Simon: No, my first name would be Dave and my surname would be exclamation hyphen mark. So my full name would be Dave Exclamation-mark, or shouting "Dave!" Lewis: Oh I see. It would be like a double pa- double-barrelled surname. Simon: Yeah... You have to shout your name, because it's Dave Exclamation-mark. shouting "Call me Dave!" And what if it was, like... What if you changed your name to Dave Question-Mark? uptalk Dave? Lewis: uptalk Dave? laughs Every time anyone calls you for anything they'd have to use, like, that little sort of up-sound at the end. Like, imagine they were calling you for dinner or something. uptalk "Dave? It's your dinner!" Simon: uptalk Dave? Lewis: uptalk Dave? Simon: uptalk Dave? Lewis: chuckling No, how- Simon: extreme uptalk Dave? Lewis: chuckling No, no, no. No, no, no. Imagine, uh, we- we need to think of a situation where you're not asking him a question, like... Simon: "Hello Dave." uptalk "Hello Dave?" Lewis: Yeah, see, I mean it turns everything into a question, but it's not inappropriate at any time. We need to, like, make it so that- Simon: What if there's a- What if there's a question mark at the end of the sentence so you're saying "Are you alright Dave?" Does the question mark cancel out the question mark in your name, like two negatives make a positive, so would it be, y'know- Lewis: No. Simon: flatly "Hello Dave." Lewis: No, no it wouldn't. Simon: No, uptalk "Hello Dave?" Lewis: A good example of this is that imagine- Simon: flatly "Are you alright Dave?" Lewis: Imagine your friend Da-Dave, Dave? Simon: uptalk Dave? Lewis: Imagine your friend uptalk Dave? Um- Simon: uptalk Dave? Lewis: He says, he says, like, "We're going round to uptalk Dave?'s house later, uh, d'you wanna come?" Simon: wheezes Lewis: snorts Simon: It's even weirder if it's something like uptalk "Have you seen Dave? uptalk recently?" Lewis: laughs Simon: It'd confuse people about when the sentence actually ends. Oh apparently you can't use, um, a title in your name, so your first name can't be Lord. Lewis: So I guess, you c- can you call yourself something like... Dave, of, like, wherever he's from. Simon: Devon. Dave of Devon. Lewis: uptalk Dave? of Devon. Simon: uptalk Dave? of more extreme uptalk Devon? Lewis: laughs What, and that would have another question mark on it? What if you put a question mark on- Simon: Well Dave- Lewis: -on the Dave, and the of, and the Devon? Simon: uptalk on each individual word Dave? of? Devon? The thing is Dave is Lord of Devon, and he has changed the name of Devon by deed poll, uptalk to Devon? Lewis: So what? If- every time anyone was sending a letter to Devon, they'd have to put a question mark on the end of the word Devon? Simon: Yes. Oh my god. in a strange cadence Fun names. Some people like the idea of what we call a "fun name". We have issued deed polls for fun names such as Jellyfish McSaveloy- Lewis: Wow. Simon: Toasted T Cake, Nineteen Sixty Eight, Hong Kong Phooey, Daddy Fantastic, One One Eight Taxi, Ting-A-ling, Huggy Bear, Donald Duck, Jojo Magic Space Monkey, and James Bond. Lewis: James Bond. Simon: uptalk and Dave? This is so weird. Lewis: It's very shrill when you say Dave, by the way. Simon: The most unusual name was probably Daniel Westfallen- ok, that was his original name, right, 27 year-old from Hornchurch, Essex, who changed his name legally to Happy Adjustable Spanners. Lewis: Is adjustable the middle name? Simon: Yes. Mr Spanners. Lewis: Happy Spanners. Simon: giggles Happy Spanners. That's such a nice name isn't it? Lewis: chuckling It's a good name... that's such a good name. Simon: Maybe you should change your name to something like that. Lewis: I bet he was like- I bet he was like a really big sort of, six-and-a-half foot tall man with like, y'know, slightly sort of closely cut head on his sort of, y'know, quite pale head. Y'know, quite a big fat man with a big round face and he works in a garage. Like a regional accent "Awight? Awight, I'm Happy Spanners. How's it goin'?" Simon: cadence The ability to apply to change one's name from a computer or mobile phone at any time appears to have contributed indirectly to some of the more exotic name changes, despite the £33 charge. That's all it is, £33. again N Tom the Haymaker Haywood You Like to Come Back to Mine, 19, a student from Leicestershire. Lewis: Sorry, what's his name? Simon: N Tom the Haymaker Haywood You Like to Come Back to Mine. Lewis: Wow... "Haywood You Like to Come Back to Mine", wow. Simon: Apparently his name was Tom Haywood, hence the "Haywood You Like to Come Back to Mine". He is broadly happy with his changed circumstances, though it has led to at least one awkward encounter with the police, after his house was robbed. "The WPC gave me a strange look when I signed my name" he said. Happy Adjustable Spanners, 27... chuckles Lewis: chuckles Simon: Oh god... Lewis: I wanna hear what he has to say. Simon: He doesn't actually say anything. It just says that's- oh, he changed his name under the influence of alcohol after a bet. Happy Adjustable Spanners... Lewis: Wow. Simon: Ok, this is- this a pretty good story about changing names, right. There's a really really piss-poor football team called Lyneham Athletic, so in order to change their luck and to, to gain a bit of magic and mojo ever single member of the team changed their names. So they now have Ronaldinho, Ronaldo, Terry, Carragher, Gerrard- Lewis: You're kidding me. Simon: Rooney, Henry... giggles Lewis: Wow. What the hell, Lyneham Athletic? What's it called? Simon: Lyneham Athletic. Yeah, um, Wayne Rooney is the goalkeeper though. Lewis: Holy shit. Simon: giggles Lewis: Right! Do they look anything like their namesakes. Simon: No. No, not at all. No, that's not the point. Lewis: They didn't- Simon: No, they don't, like, dress up, and like, wear makeup to look like- Lewis: Why did Wayne Rooney change- why did the goalkeeper change his name to Wayne Rooney- Simon: Because he likes Wayne Rooney- Lewis: instead of, like, van der Sar or some decent goalkeeper? Simon: -and nobody had picked it. laughter I- Lewis: Who-? I would never choose Wayne- I would never choose Wayne Rooney! Would you? Simon: laughs Lewis: I mean, if you had to choose between, like, Ronaldo... Simon: Well he's called Ben White. Lewis: Y'know, or like Beckham, or someone like that, y'know. Yeah, I'll have- I'll have that fat ginger guy who, like, sleeps with old women, yeah, that's my favourite. Simon: Oh god... Lewis: Shut up! Simon: reading IT worker, Thierry Henry, 39, formerly Darren Yeomans. Lewis: snorts Simon: giggles Lewis: laughing Thierry Henry! He's not even black is he? Oh dear... Simon: He is! Yeah, he is! Lewis: Oh, well at least worked, that was correct. Simon: Yeah. Lewis: Thank god for that. Simon: I mean they're, y'know, they don't wanna be that weird. Lewis: Oh Jesus Christ, I mean I have to draw the line somewhere. Simon: Exactly. Lewis: You know, if you're gonna, like, rename yourself as like... Simon: Essien's black as well. Lewis: Y'know, Kanu or something, you know, you don't wanna be like a big balding white man, do you? Simon: Well yeah, I mean you say that but Terry is bald. But he is called Terry, so it's not too bad. Um... Lewis: John Terry? Simon: Yeah, John Terry, he used to be called Ian Flat. Lewis: Surely he didn't name himself just- did he? Simon: Yeah, he's now John Terry. Lewis: Oh, not in real life. Oh, you mean the 39 year-old bald guy who's pretending to be John Terry. Simon: Well I don't know if he's 39. Lewis: I thought we were talking about the actual footballer John Terry. Simon: No. No, no. No. Lewis: I was a bit confused. Simon: Gerrard... Lewis: Well that's really good, that's brilliant... Simon: Gerrard used to be called Connor Edgecumbe. Lewis: Connor Edgecumbe. Hm... That's a very English name. Simon: It's just so weird isn't it. Apparently the day after the changed their name. They played a football team called the Iron Horse, and they lost 4 - 1 to them. Lewis: Oh no... Simon: This is in the, um... Lewis: Why didn't the change the name of their football team to, like, y'know- Simon: No, they can't do that. Lewis: Allstars United or something Simon: Well they can't- y'know, they can't piss around with the team name, but they can piss around with their own names. Apparently- Lewis: Why can't they piss around with the team name? Wasn't there a team that renamed themselves to, like, um... You were telling me about this, remember? Um... Simon: To Manchester United? Lewis: Account Networking... No... Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah. Lewis: Networking Solutions or something. Simon: Yeah, Total Network Solutions. I think they were from- were they from Swansea? I'm gonna have to google it to check that I get all the facts right. Lewis: Fuck the facts! We never really worried about that before. Simon: Um, oh no, no. It's um... Oh god, I can sea why they changed their fucking name. They changed their name back now, but apparently the name of the football club is the New Saints of Oswestry Town and Llansantffraid Football Club, which is a mix of English and Welsh towns, that have formed a football club. But they were originally called just, y'know, as their short name The New Saints, so it was TNS - The New Saints. And in 1997 they won the Welsh club- uh, the Welsh Cup, which is like their version of the FA Cup, which meant that they qualified for the European Cup Winners' Cup, which is a big deal. And the local computer company, called Total Network Solutions, um, had a sponsorship deal with them for a quarter of a million pounds, which meant that they change their name from The New Saints to Total Network Solutions. Lewis: Oh... Simon: Amazing. So they were officially knows as Total Network Solutions F.C. for 10 years. On the Sky Sports football show, Soccer Saturday, TNS' name is gently mocked by the programme's main presenter Jeff Stelling. At the end of the day's classified check, if TNS had played and won at home, Stelling invariably uses the now-famous catchphrase "They'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight". Ah... Lewis: Classic line... Simon: The two towns that make up the team are 8 miles apart. Isn't that odd? That they're both such tiny towns that they needed two towns on either side of the fucking- y'know, one in England and one in Wales, to make a football team. Lewis: It's quite nice though, unity. A rare example of harmony in our turbulent times. Simon: Ok, here we go, this is- this is the brilliant name change thing, right? George Garrett, a 19 year-old lad. He changed his name online for just £10. I don't know whether they had a special offer on. Um, he said "I wanted to be unique, and I decided upon a theme of superheroes." So he has changed his name, legally, to Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined. Lewis: Wow. Simon: That is his name, legally. Lewis: That's a brilliant name. Simon: Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined. Lewis: Holy shit. You could, like, add more to that. Then again, I'm a bit conspicuous sic, what- why has he got Batman in there? And Spider-Man... they're not exactly fast- Simon: He hasn't even spelt Spider-Man properly, he hasn't got the hyphen in it. Lewis: Spider-Man doesn't have a hyphen in it. What do you mean? Simon: Yes it does. Lewis: Spider-Hyphen-Man? Simon: Yep. Lewis: No-one calls him that! Simon: No, everyone calls him that because that's his name. Lewis: No. Simon: And that's how it's spelled. Just check it. Lewis: It's not in the films. Simon: Yes it is. Lewis: Look at the films. The film Spider-Man, and Spider-Man 2, and Spider-Man 3. There was no hyphen. Simon: With a hyphen. Spider-hyphen-man. That's how you spell Spider-Man. Lewis: Oh shit. Simon: Yeah! See? See how fucking wrong you are? See how fucking wrong you are. Lewis: Oh my god, you're- I'm totally wrong. Wow, I've learned something today, although it is completely useless as usual. Simon: The Amazing Spider-hyphen-Man, that's what he's called. Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine The Hulk And The Flash Combined. Lewis: That is a legendary name. My god. What would you call yourself, if you had to have like a really ridiculous name? Simon: Jesus Nails. Lewis: Oh yeah, we've- Jesus Nails, yeah we knew that. That is a good one. Simon: My friend Andrew came up with that. God... What do you think it says on his credit card? Because it can't say all of that can it? Maybe it just says Captain Fantastic. But, in- Lewis: Even that's, like, pretty good. Simon: In their fucking names allowed thing they say that you can't have titles. So why- why is he allowed "Captain"? Lewis: I don't think you're probably allowed the Queen's titles, and things. Simon: Yeah, it all comes down to the Queen doesn't it. his breath That fucking bitch. Lewis: chuckles Yeah, it does in Britain, yeah. I wonder if they've got a similar thing in America, y'know with, like... Simon: We could offer a prize, right? If one of our listeners legally changes their name to Dave YogPod- Lewis: Ah, no, no no, no. Let's not let- make them do that. Simon: over Lewis -we will feature them in an upcoming special YogPod. If they change their name- Lewis: Oh my god... Simon: to Dave! YogPod. giggles Lewis: We don't wanna make people change their names! Simon: giggling Yes we do! Yes we do! Lewis: laughter Can you imagine? People would do it though, we'd get some complete nutter doing it. Simon: giggling It'd be brilliant! Lewis: We really wouldn't want them on the show. Simon: It would be- Yes, we do! We do! Lewis: They wouldn't- I mean, the kind of people who would- oh dear. "the show". Simon: Dave- Dave! YogPod. Y'know, people'll be asking, y'know "Dave! YogPod? Why did you change your name to that?" And you say "Yes, because I'm a fan of- of Simon and Lewis, Xephos and Honeydew, and their videos on YouTube and their YogPod." Lewis: No but, I mean it's permanent, when you change your name you have to go through all this rigmarole, and like, you know, change all your stuff over. Simon: Yeah- Lewis: And it's a lot of work. And then, can you imagine in like 10 years time, when we've like, y'know, you've probably died of, like, y'know, eating too much or something, and I'm, like, sort of still her playing WoW on my own or whatever, and not bothering anymore to make anything funny because you're dead. Y'know I'm just miserable. Simon: You've got- you've got like a framed photograph of me next to your computer monitor... Lewis: Yeah. Simon: That you wist- you wistfully look- look at. Lewis: Yeah, yeah. Simon: And you talk to it sometimes. Lewis: From time to time. Yeah, and Dave! YogPod, he's sitting at home, right, with his, like, wife, y'know, Lucy YogPod... Simon: laughs Lewis: And his young children, Christian and Lawrence YogPod, y'know his two boys, and y'know he's taking them off to school, y'know, and they're like voice "Daddy! Daddy!" You know, and, y'know they'd probably get called names or something, at school, wouldn't they? Simon: Well, they'd be called YogPod. Lewis: What would they be called? Because obviously, like- Simon: Poddy. Lewis: If your name's Lewis, y'know, people call you Lewis Poo-is or whatever don't they? Simon: Do they? Lewis: And, like, Simon, they call you... Simon: Simple Simon. Lewis: Yeah, or- yeah. Yeah! What did they call you at school? Like, Simple Simon, Simon Lime-on, like with limes? Simon: What? Lewis: I don't know... Simon: That's a terrible nickname. Lewis: Simon... pieman. Simon: Simon the pieman Lewis: Simon pieman, there you go, that works, yeah. Simon: It's mostly simple Simon, because I am simple. Lewis: Simple Simon, ah... Anyway, what we're sort of, you know- they'd have problems with the surname YogPod, it's not a nice... Simon: "Lewis Poo-is" laugh Lewis: I can't- Simon: chuckling You should change your name to that, by deed poll! Lewis: I can't remember being called that but I'm sure I was, when I was very young... Simon: over Lewis Change your surname to Poo-is. Lewis: Infant school or whatever. Simon: Mr Poo-is, the doctor will see you now. Lewis: laughs Simon: Lewis Poo-is. Lewis: laughing Mr Poo-is! Haha. Simon: So we definitely- we definitely want someone to change their name..." Lewis: Ah man... Simon: To Dave! Yogpod. Lewis: Like, can you imagine when he's like an old man, as well? Or- or can you imagine, like, if his son was very very clever, y'know, did very well, Christian, Christian YogPod, he went to sort of Cambridge, and in sort of 20 years time he sort of became involved with the, you know, the Labour Party or whatever, and he like became Prime Minister. Can you imagine? Prime Minister YogPod. Simon: Wow, that would be incredible. I was thinking, y'know, what if he got into the sciences and he became a physicist, and he discovered a new type of radiation that causes cancer. Lewis: Wow, YogPod radiation. Simon: YogPod rays. Lewis: That is a brilliant idea. Wow, god, it could be like, argh... Simon: There could even be- There could be a mathematical constant named the YogPod. Lewis: It would be like a measurement of stuff. And then, you know, it would be like, in Star Trek there'd be sort of, y'know, Spock would be looking into the view screen, and he'd be like, going a not-Spock voice "Sir, we're getting a reading of 700 YogPods from that vessel!" Simon: Oh wow... I think there should be like- Lewis: And it would be like- oh... wow... Simon: There should be a special name for over 9000 YogPods Lewis: chuckling Over 9000 YogPods... Uh... A YogPoo. Simon: A YogPoo-is. Lewis: A YogPodplex. Simon: Wow... A YogPod- YogPodplex. Lewis: Yeah... Simon: That sounds like a, like a complex of things. Like one of- Like a giant cinema that has a million screens, like a Cineplex. Lewis: Yeah, that'll be like in the future, when the YogPod's like really, y'know, famous, we'll build like a shopping centre and it'll be called the YogPodplex. And uh... Simon: When all other forms of entertainment have died out, and all that's left is YogPods. Lewis: Yeah. Simon: chuckles Oh god... Lewis: God help you if that ever happens by the way. God help you. Simon: That's terrible isn't it? What a terrible thought. Jesus. Lewis: That's a terrifying image. chuckles Simon: Think of all the work we'd have to do. Oh god. Lewis: Oh my god. Nothing would ever get done. Simon: When are they gonna invent, like, sext robot women? Like... Lewis: outraged Yeah! That's something we've been promised for a long time, along with jetpacks. Simon: mock-outraged Yeah! Where's my- where's my fucking robot girlfriend? Where's my flying car? Lewis: Where is... Simon: Where is all this shit? Lewis: I mean, argh. Simon: It's the future! We have iPhones! Lewis: You fucking scientists. God damn it. Simon: Oh dear... What if the robots though, they all have the same face, all the robot girlfriends, and the face is... um, Ulrika Jonsson. They all look like Ulrika Jonsson. Lewis: laughter Sorry, sorry- Simon: Would you still... Lewis: -start again, what was the question? I was... Simon: Would you still have a robot girlfriend, if its face- Lewis: What was the really weird question? Simon: laughs Lewis: laughs Would I still have a robot girlfriend, if it's face- if all of their faces were Ulrika Jonsson? Wow. snorts Wow... Simon: laughing You've gotta use that out of context. Use that out of context in the YogPod, because that is just mindblowing. Lewis: laughs Simon: How much do you think they'll be- you know, they'll be worth? If you go into the, uh... Lewis: How much will they cost? Simon: The Apple Store, and they've got robotic women? Lewis: The thing is, the early models are gonna be quite chunky, so I'd, y'know, because like the first... Simon: I'm used to that though laughs Lewis: The first... laughs Simon: Oh dear... Lewis: The first iPods were like, y'know, quite big. Simon: How big would they be though? Are we talking like the size of a house? That would be kind of cool though, if they were actually a house, and you could, like, move into them. They've got like, a nice bedroom, a nice lounge, the study area, inside their giant robotic cavernous vagina. Lewis: My god, what? What!? Simon: Why do I get the impression that you're not- you're not giving me 100% of your attention, Lewis? Lewis: Sorry, I'm... just finishing this quest up. Yeah, that was my fault, I'm gonna stop now. Um, go, rewind a little bit back in time. What were you trying to say to me? Simon: a tape rewinding Lewis: Wow, I mean, that was- that was very realistic, I think people would actually think that I had rewound you then. Simon: laughs When it's just me making funny noises. Wow. That's incredible. Lewis: Wasn't there a song where someone sang, like, the entire song backwards. And, like, when you play it backwards... Is it like- was it like Motörhead or someone, or Iron Maiden or something? Simon: Uh, well there's something called, um, backmasking I think it's called, where there are hidden messages in music, that are recorded backwards, so you play it backwards and get the message forwards. So you get, you get like messages from the Devil. Lewis: Uh-hmm. Simon: Saying a reversed backmasked recording "kill everybody, kill all your friends" like that. Lewis: chuckles Wow. Wow. Simon: Actually I'm a bit worried of using that with our weird fanbase. Lewis: Don't kill everyone. laughter I don't see why we have to give this disclaimer. Simon: laughing Don't smear your shit on Tina Barrett's front door, and don't kill yourself. Lewis: Don't do that. Don't kill your friends, really, don't. I mean why- why are we having to cover ourselves with this stuff? Jesus... Simon: Oh god... Lewis: Also, our fanbase aren't that weird, I don't think we should be worried about that. Ah man... Simon: Apparently if you play Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin backwards, it sounds like- Lewis: Rolf Harris comes to your house. Simon: No, Led Zeppelin! Apparently it says, right- Lewis: Yeah but Rolf Harris did a famous cover of it didn't he? It went to like number one. Simon: Listen to this, Stairway to Heaven played backwards, the Led Zeppelin original, says "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow don't be alarmed now, it's just a spring clean for the May Queen. Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run there's still time to change the road you're on." But, that same part people claim that they actually hear "Here's to my sweet Satan, the one whose little path would make me sad, whose power is Satan, he'll give those with him 666, there was a little toolshed where he made us suffer, sad Satan." Lewis: Oh dear. I think this is one of those things, where- Simon: It's just pretty much a whole load of bollocks. Lewis: -you watch like a Russian dance movie- song, on YouTube, and, like, they're all singing in some weird language, and people have put, like, subtitles on it. It was like a fad about 2 years ago, there were loads of them all over the place. Um, Adam and Joe did one, didn't they- Simon: Did they? Lewis: -where they put subtitles over some... some, um, Songs of Praise episode. Um... Simon: Oh right, yeah. Oh, Woody Allen did that for a whole movie, I think it was his first movie. I think it was his first movie. Lewis: Yeah. It's been done for a long time. Misheard lyrics or whatever, is that what it's called? Something like that. But I don't think we can, like, you know... And even if, even if Led Zeppelin or whoever were like, y'know, saying "Ah yes we need to worship Satan, blah blah blah" it's total crap! Because none of this stuff exists! You know? Simon: Oh, here we go. You're going on your fucking Dawkins "deal with it", fucking... Ugh, god... Lewis: Yeah. I don't- ugh, I don't see why people go all over the top about this stuff... Simon: over Lewis, doing an angry atheist impression It's all bollocks! There's no- there's no god! Ughhh! There's no- You realise that you sound just as insane as like a fundamentalist when you go on about this. atheist impression again There's no Jesus! Arrghhh! Like that! Lewis: chuckling That's not what I do! Simon: chuckling That's what you sound like though. Lewis: Like a crazed old man? Simon: Yeah, you sound like some fucking nutter. Going on, and straining in angry atheist voice There's no god! There's no point to anything! Oooohh! It makes you sound like a nutter. Lewis: Thanks man. Ah dear... Simon: You're welcome. Lewis Poo-is. (35:57) Category:Lewis Brindley Category:Simon Lane Category:Episodes